First, Romans 7:18 "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not."
I can't be the only woman (wife, mom, friend) who struggles so much with her walk in Christ. Those confusing few verses in Romans 7 where Paul says (in paraphrase), "I know what I should do but it is what I don't do, and what which I hate is what I do.." more often than is reasonable, that sums it up for me. (I promised in my first post I wouldn't pretend everything was wonderful and perfect.) And it's trickling downstream. It hurts to see some of my weaknesses seeping into my children. I wrestle back and forth between being strong in my decisions, encouraging them to do what is right, and having the type of temperament God would be pleased with; and being weak, lazy, whiny, and bad-tempered - the example of what I shouldn't be. (My mouth is what I struggle with the most. I do penance reading the entire book of James.. ) Lately it is really eating me up inside (how I know the Holy Spirit is in there somewhere). I can't expect my children to be what I am not.
Somewhere along the way I have come to realize that my battle is not fought in a few moments of reading my Bible and with an ardent but very singular prayer. My battle is one I must fight daily, sometimes even hourly, to combat emotions, the tendency to become distracted, and the desire to do things that make me happy instead of making my Heavenly Father happy. I must read daily, and I must be in prayer constantly. I must be aware at every moment where my thoughts are and how I should properly handle the circumstances in my life. My desire is to be reflection of Him, but those desires mean nothing if I don't make a personal, diligent effort to change bad habits and to be sure that I am not distracted by meaningless things. Which, sadly, happens often because distraction takes my mind from worries, frustrations, and the fact that I am completely inadequate. I take it upon myself to create an escape instead of looking to Jesus to confirm my identity.
I desperately want my children to have a godly example to follow in me. I can make tons of happy memories for them. I can give them the very best of everything. I can pass down traditions and teach my girls what I know about womanhood. I can make great meals, make park and library trips, be at every event they want me to come to. And I can feel great about all of that. But if I don't teach them how to be godly young people, if I don't teach them to love one another, or teach them responsibility (the right way, for the right reasons) then in truth I've given them nothing. First and foremost I want them to desire to please God, and right behind that I desire for them learn how to overcome 'self' and let God shape their lives into what pleases Him. They need my example. My prayer this week (hour by hour) is that God would fill me with His Spirit. I am asking for His wisdom. I am asking Him to put me in check when I start to lean in the wrong direction. There is no way I can do this without Him. To be the wife and mother my husband and kids need, the wife and mother He wants me to be, I have to commit my entire life to Him.
The chapter I'm studying and meditating upon is 2 Peter 1. It speaks of the believer and how he (or she) is identified by his fruit (the ways other people recognize that he is a believer). If you struggle with the things I mentioned in this post, read and study this chapter. (If you go to church with me, you'll recognize it as the book we're currently studying in SS.) We should pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance, but we must also make the effort and sacrifice our own desires to please Him. I am confident it is there we will find peace and rest, and the blessings that come when He is pleased.
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