A Breakthrough and Things That Make Me Smile

Just a couple of random thoughts swimming around today.

First, my kids always surprise me. I stay on them about arguing, using mean words and voices, and the notion that they have the right to put their hands on one another. I could live in a sea of laundry, dirty dishes, and crumb-showered floors if they would just get along. Last night my oldest surprised me. She'd been away at her dad's all weekend, and Sunday nights I usually have to begin the transition - goading the switch between the behavior allowed at his house and what is allowed here. It can get ugly.

Her little brother and baby sister were in her room which she will sometimes tolerate, but only for short periods of time. Once they touch something they shouldn't or swipe candy from her purse, the good-will and tolerance comes to an abrupt end. I listened from my recliner in the living room as the little ones started to get into her things, and I waited for the screech from her that will typically follow their undesired behavior. I cringed as I waited for it. But all I heard was her asking them four times in a calm, quiet voice for them to "Stop it." and "Please don't do that." When I realized that she was really trying to have self-control, I stepped in. I had to praise her for the restraint and let her know she had handled her frustration properly. This morning I am still in a state of amazement. I don't think I broke up any fights or had to referee any arguments this morning either... my amazement grows.

On a lighter note ~

Yesterday as I drove the two little ones home from church, I heard my baby girl instigating an argument with her brother. He continued the argument and made it worse. Usually I tell him it's silly to argue with a baby. Instead I told him, "You know you aren't supposed to argue with her. She doesn't understand what you're saying, she just repeats what you say." Then she hollers, "Yeah! I a BABY!"  O.o  (I laughed out loud at her little outburst.) I think there's more going on in that little blonde head of hers than she lets on...

This morning I glanced at my son who was changing his clothes in the middle of the living room. I noticed the clothing he had pulled out - I just shook my head and told him, "Bud, that outfit looks kinda crazy." He shot me a look then said with absolute confidence: "It is NOT crazy. It's awesome."

I let out a burst of laughter that earned another 'look.'

Matthew & his "awesome" outfit.

Opening the Blinds

This is going to be one of those raw, open, candid posts that will have me struggling with regret and wondering whether or not I really should have published it....

First, Romans 7:18  "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not."

I can't be the only woman (wife, mom,  friend) who struggles so much with her walk in Christ. Those confusing few verses in Romans 7 where Paul says (in paraphrase), "I know what I should do but it is what I don't do, and what which I hate is what I do.." more often than is reasonable, that sums it up for me. (I promised in my first post I wouldn't pretend everything was wonderful and perfect.) And it's trickling downstream. It hurts to see  some of my weaknesses seeping into my children. I wrestle back and forth between being strong in my decisions, encouraging them to do what is right, and having the type of temperament God would be pleased with; and being weak, lazy, whiny, and bad-tempered - the example of what I shouldn't be. (My mouth is what I struggle with the most. I do penance reading the entire book of James.. ) Lately it is really eating me up inside (how I know the Holy Spirit is in there somewhere). I can't expect my children to be what I am not.

Somewhere along the way I have come to realize that my battle is not fought in a few moments of reading my Bible and with an ardent but very singular prayer. My battle is one I must fight daily, sometimes even hourly, to combat emotions, the tendency to become distracted, and the desire to do things that make me happy instead of making my Heavenly Father happy. I must read daily, and I must be in prayer constantly. I must be aware at every moment where my thoughts are and how I should properly handle the circumstances in my life. My desire is to be reflection of Him, but those desires mean nothing if I don't make a personal, diligent effort to change bad habits and to be sure that I am not distracted by meaningless things. Which, sadly, happens often because distraction takes my mind from worries, frustrations, and the fact that I am completely inadequate. I take it upon myself to create an escape instead of looking to Jesus to confirm my identity.

I desperately want my children to have a godly example to follow in me. I can make tons of happy memories for them. I can give them the very best of everything. I can pass down traditions and teach my girls what I know about womanhood. I can make great meals, make park and library trips, be at every event they want me to come to. And I can feel great about all of that. But if I don't teach them how to be godly young people, if I don't teach them to love one another, or teach them responsibility (the right way, for the right reasons) then in truth I've given them nothing. First and foremost I want them to desire to please God, and right behind that I desire for them learn how to overcome 'self' and let God shape their lives into what pleases Him. They need my example. My prayer this week (hour by hour) is that God would fill me with His Spirit. I am asking for His wisdom. I am asking Him to put me in check when I start to lean in the wrong direction. There is no way I can do this without Him. To be the wife and mother my husband and kids need, the wife and mother He wants me to be, I have to commit my entire life to Him.

The chapter I'm studying and meditating upon is 2 Peter 1. It speaks of the believer and how he (or she) is identified by his fruit (the ways other people recognize that he is a believer). If you struggle with the things I mentioned in this post, read and study this chapter. (If you go to church with me, you'll recognize it as the book we're currently studying in SS.) We should pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance, but we must also make the effort and sacrifice our own desires to please Him. I am confident it is there we will find peace and rest, and the blessings that come when He is pleased.

Understanding God's Love: From a Mom's Perspective

I sat down this morning to write a loving note to each of my daughters explaining what was expected of them at home and giving them biblical basis for each responsibility. I started with Hannah (13) and explained that God's first commandment to us is to love one another. Then I explained the importance of having a heart of service, and moved to personal responsibilities. I felt led to confirm my love for her, and explained that God gave me the responsibility to teach her to be a young woman who loves Him, and who is a reflection of Him. It occurred to me that she may struggle with her identity in Christ as I have throughout my life. More often than I care to admit I wonder if God cares about me, how He could love me, why He would bother. I wrote this to her, and I wanted to share it because I know many people struggle with understanding God's feelings for them. For reference, Ava is our two year old daughter, Hannah's baby sister.

"I know you don’t really understand God’s feelings for us, and sometimes neither do I, but maybe this will help you understand it a little better. You, Leah, Matthew and Ava are my children and I love you all dearly. You are much older than Ava, and you see how easy it is to love her even though she is a pain sometimes. You also have an awareness of her that the younger kids don't have. Consider your love for Ava. If she does something that makes you mad, but then hurts herself, or is hurt by someone else – how does that make you feel? Are you quick to forget that she made you mad, and don't you want to run to her and give her comfort? How about when she is so cute and sweet and she throws her chubby little arms around you and hugs you SO tight? How about when she says she loves you - without you telling her to? She doesn’t really understand love or how to show you she really loves you, but when she says it, doesn’t it melt your heart? God knows that we don’t really know how to truly show Him we love Him. We disobey Him or make wrong choices, yet when we call to Him in need, He always runs to comfort us. When we say we love Him and really mean it, or try to love Him in our own way, I believe it melts His heart, too. We are made in His image, so our feelings for our children (or baby sisters) reflect His feelings for us. But, remember that He is perfect, so His love is perfect too! Think about this when you are trying to figure out who you are to God. Just as you are my child, you are also His!  

All my love, 

Mommy." 

I sat here with tears in my eyes as I realized that God recognizes my attempts to show Him that I love Him. I believe with all my heart that even though I don't have it quite right, He sees my pure intention and is thrilled, just as I am thrilled by my own children. As I grow in faith and obedience, my love and the ways I show it will grow too. Doesn't that just bless your heart?!?