From October 2 - My Sweet Boy.

This is long but I wanted to share, especially with my family.

My heart is so tender today.. A few weeks ago would have been my middle baby's 6th birthday. We lost him at 39 weeks + 3 days. My daughters had a lengthy conversation about it in the car recently, and Matthew has grown enough that he catches and can understand a lot of what they say. I knew we would have to talk about it eventuall
y since the girls still talk about it and it was not so long ago. He asked me a few times over the last 2 weeks about "my boy," and I explained as best I could on his level. He asked to see his pictures. I put it off, not sure if he would understand, and not sure I could explain it all without crying.

Yesterday, he was playing beside me while I was working on something and out of the blue he said, "Mommy, you didn't show me pictures of your boy. Can I see them?" I set down what I was doing and took him into my room, pulled the box, blanket, and the photo album out of the closet and sat on the bed with him and talked him through each part - the clothes, the blanket, the album, and the lock of hair. He spent a lot of time looking through the album. I was surprised how quiet he was, and his few questions showed me just how much he understood.

We finished with looking at Matthew's own baby album, and he spent a lot of time looking through it off and on, well into the evening. I told Mike about all of it when he got home and Matthew heard me. Then I changed the subject and told Mike how Matthew burst into tears suddenly and hugged me, and when I asked him what was wrong he just said he wanted his daddy. That is not unusual.. But when Matthew heard me share that with his daddy, he looked up from his superheroes and said, "Mommy, I cried because of your baby in that book." And he went back to playing. I was stunned.

At bedtime, Matthew and Ava were in the bed with us, and Matthew was playing with me while Ava wrestled with Daddy. They went out of the room and I held Matthew in my arms and asked him, "You are so special to me. Do you know why?" He said yes, and I asked if he was sure. He said no. I said, "You are extra special to me because God gave you to me just a very little while after Christian went to heaven. You made Mommy and Daddy feel happy again after being so sad. We prayed that God would send us a baby and we got you. You're my special boy." He just smiled and snuggled with me.

This morning I was making oatmeal and Matthew was sitting at the table, talking about his cars and whatever was on his little mind. Suddenly he says to me, "Mommy? Are you still happy that you have me? Am I still special?" Talk about heartwrenching. I love my boy so much.